Motherhood

My Battle with Post Partum Depression

This is definitely not an easy post to write because I don’t want to admit that I am struggling with PPD. When I was still pregnant with my son, I was 100% sure that I am not going to experience it. Back home in the Philippines, I could say that people are pretty good in coping from tragedies, stressful situations and most especially pregnancy and birth. I was in denial because I was ashamed that I am having a hard time dealing with my hormones and feelings.

My husband insisted that I should talk to my doctor about it and there was even one time when we were arguing that he ended up calling the Post Partum Depression hotline so I can talk to somebody. I’ve always felt like I can keep pretending that I don’t have it until I cure myself. In my head, since my faith is strong, I can always pray for it and just keep a positive attitude.

 

I had a traumatic child birth experience. My baby and I survived and probably that’s one of the reasons why my husband couldn’t relate to what I feel. He feels grateful, happy and ready to face our new life with our baby while I kept reliving that day when I was pushing my son; I passed out and he got stuck. He ended up needing to be vacuumed 4 times. He had an APGAR score of 6/10. He was rushed to the NICU. We didn’t get to do skin to skin, my husband was not able to cut the cord and the most painful of all is seeing him with a bleeding cut on his head.

Everyday I get paranoid and I am constantly assessing his development. Everything worries me and I always blame myself for not being able to push him out of me better. I initially imagined to have a no epidural natural birth delivery because I felt like I can do it but after 36 hours of labor, with no food and in so much pain from being induced, my body just gave up. I didn’t dilate fast enough after my water broke. The night after I gave birth, I couldn’t sleep. I buried my face on a pillow while I was crying so that my husband won’t hear me.

Aside from feeling guilty, anxious, empty and helpless, I also feel less motivated to do anything for myself. I just want to know if my baby is going to be fine. In addition to the birth, I am also struggling with breastfeeding. I know breast milk is best for him but I just can’t produce enough milk for him to be exclusively breastfed. He was also tongue-tied, so he had trouble latching in the beginning. We also went back to the NICU after 2 days of being home because he developed jaundice related to trauma at birth. I was tired, worried and in pain, it was really hard to stimulate my breasts to produce milk. Now at 4 months old, he just stopped eating from me. It’s disappointing especially because I want to give him the best.

Even with the negative feelings I am battling with, I am thankful that I’ve never felt the urge to hurt him. However I admit that there are times that I would really feel the need to be away from him. My husband takes over and spends time with the baby whenever he gets home from work. He also reads articles about how he can support me emotionally. He also tries his best to take us out and especially me to socialize.

I have a mild case of PPD but my husband can feel its effects and noticed the changes in me. It’s not a joke and it’s not easy to function and be a good mother and wife while you’re dealing with depression.

My son is almost 5 months old now and my husband and I finally have a routine that helps me. I still cry and I get worry and sad. I cried in the middle of typing this post. hah! I guess the first step in healing is admitting that you need help and also surrounding yourself with people or even just having one person, may it be a friend or a therapist, who will not judge your feelings and will listen to you and let you whine no matter how irrational your thoughts are.

5 Comments

  • celeste perez

    Oh God! I cried. I had my baby through CS because of non reassuring fetal hear rate reasons. I was so depressed because I was not able to have a normal delivery. I cried a lot of times. Blamed myself. But then at the back of my mind, I am still grateful to God that my baby was okay during delivery. And I had an amazing support group from my husband and family.My baby is now 1 year and 3 mos. old and very much healthy, thank God. 🙂

  • celeste perez

    Oh God! I cried. I had my baby through CS because of non reassuring fetal heart rate reasons. I was so depressed because I was not able to have a normal delivery. I cried a lot of times. Blamed myself. But then at the back of my mind, I am still grateful to God that my baby was okay during delivery. And I had an amazing support group from my husband and family.My baby is now 1 year and 3 mos. old and very much healthy, thank God. 🙂

    • mommypenlighted

      I wish they just did a C-section for me. It still hurts to squat and do #2 because of my cut anyway. My boy’s scar is a constant reminder that I was not able to push him out well. I feel bad for him.

  • Faye

    This is really nice peej. I’m glad you have a supportive husband and that you got through your PPD. Hands down to you, strong mama!

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